My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
Sorry for scaring your son with my drunken animal impressions
Article 1, law 1, section 1 of the apartment 25 party handbook: tarp will be purchased prior to any and all future parties. Aforementioned tarp will be placed on floor. Any and all sick patrons must relocate to tarp preceding the event of expulsion of bodily fluids. Failure to do so will result in ejection of guilty patron and banishment of the accused from succeeding party. All patrons must read and sign a copy before entry is granted.
captain cockblock got me again last night so i put a squirrel in his room and jamed the door shut
My dad just sent me a text reminding me to bring the family beer pong championship belt. Thanksgiving 2012 just got real
We got a kitchen table so we would eat together more. So far we've played drunken monopoly and had sex on it.
I'm smoking a bowl with matches and a candle while my mother washes dishes downstairs. I thought adulthood was supposed to be different.
We just got in a fight with grandma b/c she tried to tell us you didn't go hard.
I seriously need to grocery shop. I have a slice of cheese, and alcohol.
Did you put Adderal in the fishtank in the lobby? The fish are acting like Olympic sprinters. Asshole.
My desperation for dick was off put by his anime figure collection.
Well I finally got to say all the things I wanted to say. Including telling him he looks like a naked mole rat
You think that was bad? One time my parents found my sister half naked on top of the four runner in the garage. She makes me look like the good child.
I made him fuck me while wearing a Thor helmat from Walmart. Geek sex is the best sex
I woke up in a warehouse with the words “Property of Adam” written on my chest in frosting.
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