the shit that comes out of a woman's mouth when she knows you can't hit her is fucking unbelieveable
i dont remember who you are as you are in my phone as "mr. peanut."
my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
i'm at a party where swedish girls are dumping laundry detergent on each other because it glows in blacklight. this is awesome
just tripped. bootyfest 2012 will be my engagement party. i saw the whole future. i'm moving to the beach.
I ended up in a shower with 9 people and a bunch of unopened beer last night. I think I got peed on. Hands were everywhere. We sold the peed on beer to people knocking on the hotel room door.
Wow, now I'm sad I didn't go.
I do remember getting hit in the face by an ugly one because she thought I was blowing on her butthole.
Oh shut up man. Once the police get involved its every man for themself.
I just did something so unspeakable in the panera bathroom that their health score dropped 10 points.
Also. When I die, I'm gonna have them put me in the casket naked and then have an open casket funeral. That will be my last chance to make people uncomfortable.
So now I can cross "have my ass be someone's phone background" off the bucket list. You know, if it was something I actually had wanted to happen.
One of my favorite March activities is cropdusting people while wearing a kilt.
All I remember is you shouting "THIS KID IS A FREAKIN' NINJA!!" when he dive rolled over a barbed wire fence and proceeded to ask for his 18th beer.
You literally snort drugs up your nose and you’re questioning the brand of the multivitamin right now?
RICK FUCKING MORANIS!!!!!
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