I molested 6 butterflies tonight
If Curt Schilling could pitch a game with that blood-filled sock... if Tiger Woods won the 2008 US Open with a torn ligament, then I'd be an embarrassment to the human race if I couldn't manage to at least jerk him off even if I was still crying after he put it in my butt.
he asked me what things i liked that he did in bed, and i told him all the things i hated so he would use it on that new bitch and she wouldnt hook up with him anymore.
you for real need to get over him dude
do herpes really smell.
Need a travel agent to tell me which countries in Asia have legalized prostitution for New Year. Fireworks would be cool too.
I will never swim in a flooded basement again..
I think the pivotal moment was when we used the see and say as a drinking game with shots of whiskey. It was all downhill after that.
You better fuck one or both of those bitches and bring me pictures that will make me uncomfortable
I can do at least one of those things.
Accidentally peeing a little on the couch in the middle of a sneeze is way different from railing a random on our waffle counter. I am the better roommate.
How do I discreetly dispose of sex toy packaging that is recyclable? What to do...what to do?
We were hunting our best friend with a BB gun in the backyard. I'd say the vaporizer was a worthy investment at this point.
My ex's new girlfriends ex boyfriend is getting me my nipples pierced for Valentine's Day so who's the real winner here
I had to give myself a suppository. That was the LEAST fun I've had inserting things in my ass.
I just don't understand why we can't have sex in the house. I'll come see you but I'll have to think about the barn thing.
I got conspiracy theory drunk.
Randomize
