she was seriously choking and the whole time all he kept saying was "that's what she said"
After the nose/jizz incident i think our relationship can handle anything.
when you greet her, try not to lead with "this night will end with you on top of me". first impressions, bro.
This isn't fair. Why can't sober me be good at bejeweled?
She slapped me in the face with a McDouble. Just threw it right at my face while I was driving... That is why we can't bring her out in public.
Going to dump some dried Xanax powder into some Mac and cheese. Can't think of a better way to avoid tasting it.
What procrastination leads to: I have submitted a third of my job applications this week with a BAC that would get me arrested
So I got this new job… ever been fucked in a corner office before?
That moment when I wear the same thing I did to a motel nooner to my family's Christmas party... Ho Hoety Ho bitches
I started the day with dreams of getting laid and ended it with the reality of eating Taco Bell in my bed with my dog.
We're going to get naked and build a fort instead. HAPPY NEW YEAR!
He forgot how to sit. we had to pick him up and set him down.
So I woke up this morning to find my laptop open, with a google search for "where to buy marble", and a hungover naked northern girl in my bed who told me that I claimed to be a sculptor last night and that I promised to sculpt a bust of her hands...
There was already gay porn open on my laptop with a tiny carrot cake, a bottle of water, and a note saying "I love you, Sober Me."
Drunk me just hits it and quits it.
I'm just going to use my debit card. I feel bad buying pizza with the money I stole from my roommate...so I'm going to put it in my piggy bank.
Randomize
