beyond obliterated. i recall legitimately trying to use a ballpoint pen as eyeliner.
If I am going to throw out this whole "born again virgin" thing...i'm not going to do it on someone who is less than 5 inches.
I'm pretty sure I had my drunk fortune told by a gay Miss Cleo last night. At least it's advice sober me can agree with.
Peanut butter balls.
IF YOU EVEN COME NEAR MY BALLS AGAIN I SWEAR TO GOD
how did you know i stayed over last night?
there was a trail of glow sticks and cheetos from the front door all the way to his bedroom
we were the definition of too high: argued for 10 minutes about who was gonna get the condom (it was 2 feet away on the night stand) and past out watching adventure time.
Just got biofeeze on my vag. Weirdest sensation everrr. Can't decide if I want to cum or cry
I can't help the fact that i'm turned on by white boys that look like Jesus
L'Shannah Tovah!
Whats that? My new stripper name?
Doing coke by yourself isn't as fun. Even when you're watching a James Franco movie.
There's a burrito next to my bed. Did you buy it for me or is the Chipotle fairy real? And why am I naked?
I recall trading my iPhone watch for a carton of Marlboros.
Listen, some people have dreams, some people just want to cock slap a kangaroo
I should probably just LinkedIn request everyone I've ever slept with so they stop popping up on my suggested connections list
Bro, I live in a constant state of existential dread and moderate ennui. The prospect of cosmic horror doesn’t faze me that much.
Randomize
