i just saw a foot job.
porn is incredible...
why do the even put the "Please drink responsibly" on tequila ads? like has anything responsible ever come from tequlia. No. never.
just wondering who decided to put a cup of throw up in my fridge
Well I knew we were drunk when I told you it was a good idea to shit in the ocean
Three guys came up to me at the bar and started dancing on me, while screaming "Johnson's girl." That's the last time I sleep with a freshmen.
Hey, please tell me that you and dad are having actual steaks tonight and I did not just get sexted by my dad
It's fucking New Year's. I can be soberish in 2013 after tonight. It's like the 30 years of grey area between Jesus' birth and death.
Don't make emojis simulating eating me out
I was just wicked nice to a telemarketer... that's how stoned this woman got me.
Remind me to tell you all about the topless girl on the street who attempted to taze me.
You’re sleeping on my couch so you’re not making dick appointments tonight
When I get off work and you're not around to hang out with all I do is lay around in my underwear and eat potatoes.
you ate an entire watermelon by using a CD as a spoon, then proceeded to chuck the leftovers at some dudes car...
Gave a guy a blowjob in a convent. Place in hell is now secured...
Can’t. Tonight’s a netflix and dick night
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