god please explain to me why there's blood underneath my fingernails AND toenails?!?!
Dude To be completely honest I don't think you want me to.
when she said she would show you her other bow, she ment she wanted you to bend her over and see the tattoo on her lower back you idiot
his pick up line was "wanna get a pizza and fuck?"
did it work
that's not the point...
he told me he saved a turtle in the middle of the road.. i told him id be over in ten minutes...i mean he deserves a bj after that.
Oh no it's bring yor chld to work day...I'm too drunk for this
This is one of the fundamental differences between you and I. If I found meat in a plastic bag, I wouldn't put it in my mouth.
Stripper told me "sorry i'm not squezing my tits in your face much, I just had a kid and don't want to squirt you in the eye with milk. " in the middle of my lap dance
there is potential here for me to have a consistent access to someone's dick who isn't actually an asshole. i think i'm ready for a relationship.
Does the whole "it was New Years" excuse apply this year?
If they weren't representing Obama and the White House, they definitely would've punched me in the face.
When I picked you up, you were drinking Maker's Mark out of the bottle with a crazy straw.
Do you know how to get blood out of tile grout?
They invented a new game at work. Its called guess if I'm baked, hungover, drunk, or some combination of the three. Its surprisingly very difficult..
Oh damn it. Let me get a beer. I can't take anymore bad news. Hold on.
i woke up this morning with a fake eyeball in my pocket
Randomize
