**** and his GF asked me to give his stuff back, and they would give me a 100. HA, they dont know I have it to charity haha
"I want to just tie you up so you\'ll still be here like this when I get home." Actual words.
She just asked to stimulate my prostate, man law requires you come pick me up
It was awkward being the only one at the wedding who knows that the bride and groom met when she gave him a lap dance at a strip club
I just saw her take the entire bowl of lime wedges from the bar and pour them all in her purse, and now using the empty bowl as a hat. Waiting for security to come and throw her ass out.
There's a person in my phone named motor boat. I love making new friends.
Let's just say he sent me a picture of his dick and I was more impressed with the collection of video games he had in the background...
I fucking, woke up on a couch with a towel as a blanket to someones lion king ringtone.
The last thing I remember before blacking out was passing that sobriety test.
He showed me a picture of his family on Instagram and his dad was my Sugar Daddy. ABORT.
You kept yelling stranger danger at Nick because he was talking to that girl you didn't like. Your not invited ever again.
I've never seen anyone as high as you were.. you collapsed onto the kitchen floor hugging a tub of ice cream. You named it phil.
You know its a good night when ur woken up by the bartender asking you how he ended up at your house
Can I come over and get it in, take a nap in ur bed, grab some poptarts and then leave?
You haven't lost that air of class about you...
He sang the chorus to “Inside of you” by Russel Brand in Forgetting Sarah Marshall as he proceeded to not pull out...
Honestly? I wouldn’t even be mad, that probably took talent
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