She was like a white Oprah, but with less conviction.
They need to add a relationship status option on fb that says "having the baby of..."
Why did you video tape me drying my boxers in the microwave?
new rule: cockblock me if I have had over a fifth of jack. no matter what.
I think my vagina is going to steal my keys and drive over there.
Hopefully she would park on my face.
Dude the animal human society told us we could get a dog when we came back sober. I cant wait.
I was at a bus stop, eating a load of bread. Fairly sure I'm the poster child for poor students.
Oh, AND I met a ukulele teacher that I'd date. So there's that.
I mean, that's eating your cake and fucking it too.
they set my background as his mugshot to remind me "having a big penis won't be a valid excuse in a court room."
I'm excited I love mornings when I'm not sober
How are you feeling this morning?
Well, I just found day old puke in my bra, so I've been better.
I am going home. I have pee on my pants. Rachel is driving and I and drunk. It is not Rachels pee. It is my pee.
Hey can you send me a pic of your breast with a peace sign in the photo? I'm trying to win a scavenger hunt contest. Thanks so much
So was it everything you dreamed it would be
I puked.
Twice.
So is that a yes?
Randomize
