apparently i walked up to the counter, put $30 worth of snacks next to this girl, and went 'uhh i have no money'
I just masturbated into a dress sock. I feel fancy
Margaritas ran out of lime juice. Substituted Jaeger. Jaegerita not good.
Apparently tackling a bar stool and crashing to the floor while yelling for 6 shots of whiskey won't get you thrown out on St Pattys Day.
He's like the houdini of condoms. I never even realized he put one on before we fucked. he's magical.
You carried me up the stairs after I told you not to. And what did you tell me? "Let me test my strengths."
I haven't been motivated enough for a shirt. And only half the day was bra-worthy.
I may or may not already be in your hot tub when you get home. I have a key to your house and no shame.
That guy has been pretty randomly in and out of my vagina for 4 years...I don't think I'm required to tell him when I'm dating.
Good point.
I know you are gonna wanna ask a lot of questions but when we are home I need to cover your face with deli meat and photograph it
I was alternating between saying "yall need Jesus" and "God bless" the entire night
wanna see your best friend chug a bottle of steak sauce?
please go to sleep
She just walked out of her bedroom naked and asked me to help put her diaper on. Yeah, that pretty much sums up the last 24 hours...
I'll do whatever I want when I'm 80.
If you are still alive at 80 I demand a medical explanation.
Do you just want me to shit in a Jack-o-latern
Randomize
