last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
Coffee flavored vodka sounded like such a good idea at the time. Now i never want to drink coffee again.
Just found cake in my bra, debating if I should eat it
Thats why you have fulfilling relationships with nice girls and i have kinky sex with crazies
Fortunately for myself I'm twice as smart and half as drunk as everyone else. All things considered I'm leaving here three-to-five times richer than when I arrived.
I have effectively turned laundry day into a drinking game.
No we just stood in the kitchen and laughed for 2 hours about how funny the popcorn noise was.
OH BABY IM HERE AND IN A BLANKET FORT
COME TO THE BLANKET FORT
My mom is wine drunk and on painkillers. As invigorating as that conversation was, it was also a dark glimpse into my future
Everytime Our professor said "penis fencing" in class today we took shots.
Client visitor days are the worst. If I have to wear a tie and can be hungover at least have the decency to find some more attractive visitors
I know you're very busy with sleep and things, but when you wake up we need to talk about weirdly shaped penises.
I wish drunk me came with subtitles
I threw up in my backpack last night, but at least it wasn't in the pizza box again
The date did not go well. Turns out I once set her brother on fire.
Randomize
