My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
the best thing about tacos is after you shit them all out you feel like to have room for your dignity to come back
a woman just threw her tv out the window while screaming "will you fucking work now?". i'm never moving
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
Oh, I made pasta salad in the throw up bowl. I hope you don't need that for the next few days.
Just had a thought: were the sirens on when we were in the ambulance?
Ever find yourself wondering if your life is God's way of telling a joke?
I'll have my hookups make my March Madness picks. Win my bracket, win my heart. That's how it works right?
new costume idea. paint swatches and a ball gag... I'll be 50 shades of grey.
Someone's vagina was extra sandy cause the left side of my bed feels like the beach.
It's election day and I was just tied up with an American flag scarf
Stop confusing me with every girl you know that doesn't like sex.
I think this is the first time I heard a lesbian version of baby it's cold outside.
This year my vagina is giving thanks that several of my cubs are coming home for the holiday
Mimosas make me so tired. I just ordered a huge thing of pasta and gonna eat it in my underwear like a bad bitch
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