So I was talking to her on the phone last night and had to mute it so I could take a crap.
Side Note: My mute button doesn't work.
that shirt you're wearing that says "officially single" makes me think you'll be that way for a really long fucking time.
Renamed my iPod as 'the titantic' so when I plug it in it's says 'the titantic is syncing.'
Apparently tackling a bar stool and crashing to the floor while yelling for 6 shots of whiskey won't get you thrown out on St Pattys Day.
my mom just found my flavored lube in the basement. she gave me a lecture about how "giving head is degrading" omg i feel sooooo bad for my dad
I'll tell these girls I'm like the pet adoption center...don't play with it if you're not taking it home.
you said you wanted to feel how much my penis weighed for educational purposes
Everytime the frat boy touches his bro's ass after making a cup take a drink
That's because "bed time" is my sex playlist. If you're trying to fall asleep use "nap time"
The bond between me and cheese is something no man can understand.
She got drunk on the air plane and pretended to be an elephant for an hour...Atleast the kid behind us enjoyed it.
He sent me a picture of him trying to push his cock into a Gatorade bottle. I dont know if I'm impressed it didn't fit and disgusted that he sent me something so vile.
If by some world ending natural disaster I get into an actual relationship with this kid, should I tell him the truth about the web of lies I've based our current relationship on?
Man, you got so high you own goaled yourself in FIFA then got up celebrating.
You and your dick were a topic of high regard tonight
Randomize
