He spelled "beautiful" wrong in his text
gail simmons from food & wine magazine just heard me order my plan b pill
did you ask her what wine to pair it with?
And then he told me he had the vodka, but he was still in line at WIC for the juice.
weed salsa. i deserve a nobel prize
So I have the hangover from hell, spent all night puking, and there's a septic tank truck parked outside the house literally pumping shit. You win God.
my goal is to not remember how i make a living by 9pm saturday night
May or may not be going home with my jamitor. i'm kiddong, btw, i have no idea. i'll let you know soooon.
Don't lose. A little bit of my soul dies every time a beer pong game is lost.
He told me he loved me and then asked if we could have sex in the snow
Let's drink?
Just because it's bacon vodka doesn't mean it's for breakfast.
Whatever, I used my iphone to send an Escalade to pick up a booty call last week. For free. It is futuristic as fuck out here.
I got so drunk last night that I drunk texted myself. "hand jobs are the currency of the future"
A sexy devil squat down and peed in front of Tom Hanks from Castaway.
I just started an apology with "so I'm sorry about throwing the Brita at your head last night..."
she said. She was going to, and I quote, "put her vagina inside my dick".
Randomize