Went to gas station for smokes. three cops pulled in. got gas i didn't need. found diff gas station.
good choice.
Skipped a towel and decided to spit the cum into his face. I now owe him new contacts.
this girl im hooking up with thought my ring was a purity ring... apparently im taking it too slow
Any time you start making pro wrestling references before 10 PM I know that I'm breaking up a fight between you and some muscled up frat boy you call Hogan.
So... I'm really sorry I tried to sell you to random people in cars last night
Tell your boss that he's keeping you from eating a fuck sundae off of these 36-24-36 34 D's waiting for you at home on Valentine's Day.
Other than a hickey from some random Canadian roller derby girl, I came out unscathed
I opened up my wallet and it was filled with puke.
I'll be there soon. I expect Advil and a bucket of kittens when I arrive.
I got really high and googled the history of Amish people for like an hour.
Tomorrow may or may not be a problem cause i'll be wonder woman for a halloween party aka i'll be fucked up & try & jump off of shit thinking i can fly
Do you remember making out with the dude in the back of my cab last night?? You said his mustache tickled your tongue.
We had to push you home in an abandoned shopping trolley. You thought you were in a pirate boat and kept yelling "AVAST, ME HEARTIES".
I yelled out "blow jobs!" in my macroeconomics class. Ask me more about how my life is spiraling out of control.
Currently using my kid's computer to charge my vibrator. #thisis30ish
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