I think I am the only girl in the world who would be proud of these scars from rug burn.
Found out my brother is now my eskimo brother...One of my proudest times as a brother
there was naked duck duck goose
how does that even get suggested?!
after naked leap frog.... it wasn't that big of a deal
We've already decided our costumes for next Halloween. She's going as Cookie Monster and I'm going as Elmo. She's just going to ask for Oatmeal Cookie shots, and I'm asking for Red-Headed Slut shots.
Dude, its January.
We're going to do the voices too.
I have a video (on my shattered iphone) of a random DJ at some bar giving me a birthday shoutout and texts from random numbers talking about birthday sex. My birthday is in April... Happy birthday to me?
Want me to give your number to an army recruiter?
I don't know... do you want me to use your number to sell used gay porn on Craigslist?
I sense beginning a prank war would end badly for both of us.
All you need to know is that isn't jizz
She was pouring Goldschlager in my mouth during the shower sex. How can you NOT like her?
We started pregaming at 8. It's 11, and her only 11:11 wish is to be sober. It's hard to not love her.
Please tell me there is not a bookmark on your browser with the title "Christmas Porn"
I drank, I fought, I made my ancestors proud.
And then someone hit me with a pool cue
I can't even masturbate without crying fuck this break up
You know we have no secrets, right? I mean, you saw me shitting in a gift bag drunk and naked on Christmas eve.
Mark my words I will never date another cop again. I don't care if he's JESUS.
He yelled "CARLI LLOYD" and then kicked the cake off the table. Soccer is making monsters out of us.
Randomize
