If you borrow your friends real doll, should you wear a condom?
im gonna put my furry chinchilla vagina on her mother effing nose
She called me her ex's name in a supermarket. How boring am I that she livens up shopping by thinking of another guy?
Just saw all the pictures from the party. I'm wearing a different shirt in every single one.
Apple should advertise that their phones are puke-proof. They would appeal to a whole new audience.
I've started a list of places i want to drink. To go along with the list of places i want to have sex. Lincoln's log cabin is on both.
Putting all my energy Into finding a polite way to ask my mailman to fuck me in his car.
We'll find out our level of friendship after tonight. You'll be helping me move a body. My body.
Who takes their shirt off at the bar?! Classy broad
I do. In all fairness there was someone else's blood on it.
I'M SO WET FOR FREEDOM
Can't find our DD
He's backstage giving the strippers foot massages.They kidnapped him the moment he walked thru the door.
If this were a real emergency kilted men wielding claymores and riding giant badgers would hve rescued said Guinness. So clearly this is just a hypothetical
He fucked me while wearing his night time breathing machine mask. Does this mean I joined the dark side and he is Darth Vader?
He told me to leave him behind and bury him in his batman pajamas. So two lessons I guess, don't give Tom whiskey and don't touch his daddy issues with a twenty nine and a half foot pole.
drinking vodka out of a wine glass to feel a little bit classier about myself.
Randomize
