dude it was like an art museum there were boobs everywhere
I really need to stop drunk texting. My one night stand just agreed to go roller skating.
I'm hungover as hell. I'm dying. I have no skin left on my knees
it's my favorite when the couple downstairs are having sex so loud that i feel like I'm part of a threesome
second-hand sex is fun, isn't it?
There's a very drunk Asian strawberry shortcake crying on the curb next to my truck. I'm not really sure what standard protocol is for this situation.
Nothing like hearing "I found your pinky nail" before you even noticed it was missing.
We split an eighth of shrooms and went ice fishing. It didn't get weird until I caught one and we both started crying.
I tried to trade my phone for pizza last night. I guess I had priorities last night
well, you know. whores of a feather.
Shut up. You had me at killer robots. Your place or mine?
The only thing that makes a night with half a bottle of cheap vodka is the other half of that bottle of cheap vodka.
I walked in to you guys using a milk jug as a gravity bong
Surrounded by smaller versions of the same
Dude, someone puked in my washing machine last night, I tried turning it on to clean it...not a good idea
Like sometimes I’ll be hangry but for dick
Well, if you do die, I'll bedazzle your coffin.
Randomize
