Take 3 tylenol pms and try to whack off before you pass out. It's impossible.
I'll tell you what, we couldn't have asked for better binge-drinking weather.
You tried to convince our cab driver that your $2 bill was worth $11.70
That fucking fat Asian kid that NOBODY invited is stuck in the dryer again
my co-worker, his best friend who also works with us, an my baby daddy, ive turned love triangle into a retarded shape with to many sides to pronounce
he's got a countert top full of yard sale blenders so id say maragita wednesdays is a go.
I just had a flashback of 4:30am: me hugging the toilet bowl and you handing me a jar of pickles to open. There is something seriously wrong with us.
He picked me up went to throw me on his bed. I landed on the wood frame. That's how I broke my rib. We still fucked. Thanks tequila. Best injury ever
Get a piano. I want to have sex on it.
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
I'm moving out of my place and I just gave my mom a couch that I had sex on last night. Reduce, reuse, recycle at its best.
Have you ever hotboxed under your comforter? Best. Decision. Ever.
I'm having leftover pizza for breakfast. I'm clearly not the greatest at this adult thing.
Election Day 2016 shall forever live in infamy as the day when I hobbled through my neighborhood, mascara melting down my face, wearing one slipper and a cast, blood and cum all over my skirt, carrying a box of wine, and no one even noticed.
You wouldn't put pants on to see my parents.
Randomize
