I am going to give you the keys to my place
Then I'll give you the keys to my heart
Gag me
She's just bitter because she lost all the weight only to discover she doesn't have a pretty face after all.
TLC. RIGHT NOW. PRIMORDIAL TODDLERS.
The best thing he's ever done for me was comment on my profile picture saying "hello boner"
Absolute soulmates or functional alcoholics?
Can't be the first without the last
I think I fixed my testicle. That's why I didnt pay $25 for a doctor to do it
Don't feel bad sweetie, you're not the only classy one in town. I'm still driving around with that tupperware of tequila in my cup holder from last week's Margarita Monday.
It's not that I'm in love with her, so much as I would love to be her lesbian experience.
I was living a snoop dogg song I fucked her on the floor so I wouldn't mess up my bed
I like the fact that you've for some reason taken my penis into protective custody
I did coke with the Royal Navy last night. God save the queen.
SO DRUNK
PUKED IN DRIVEWAY
TELL PARENTS SORRY
He was simultaneously rubbing my shoulders and fucking me. I'm keeping him.
I smell like heartbreak.
Tequila and sloppy rebound sex?
How did you know?
I wanna eat mushrooms and cuddle with a million dogs at once. I wanna know what heaven is like
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