My goal for the party is to get everyone in a diaper. Reasonable?
Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
Come find me please? Im in a ditch.
That doesn't help me much...
I'm right under the moon!
Woke up to a huge puddle of water in the living room floor, apparently I made an indoor snowman.
i have a wrist watched drawn on my wrist that it says shot o clock
He's just giving off this "someone be a bitch to me" vibe
Well I let her practice her tattooing on me. This shaky dragon on my arm says Im getting laid.
God loves me. So high, craving Jimmy Johns chips, looked down, unopened bag in front of me. Still doesn't feel real
omg this is getting ridiculous. nobody's vagina should ever be this neglected.
He called me piss drunk at 7:30pm while cooking bacon and said he was going to bed. I don't think he's taking it well.
THE CEO RESPONDED TO THE MEMO WITH HIS "UNICORN" EMAIL ADDRESS AND NOW HE'S APOLOGIZING TO EVERYONE FOR USING HIS PERSONAL EMAIL AT WORK.
so we just got back from swapping peoples patio furniture around to different patios. some people might like unexpected change. others might regret living on the ground floor.
well I ran around the park drunk with a plastic baby and fell, all while screaming "I WILL PROTECT YOU CARLOS", yeah there's video
I need my comforter. Pls bring it to me and drape me in it like an animal pelt. Ps I'm naked.
There's something sensual about taking off a pair of socks.
Randomize
