its simple. when his lips are on my clitoris i want to marry him. when they are speaking i want to kill him.
I said make yourselves at home, not to put a used condom on my ceiling fan.
I sat alone in Buffalo Wild Wings eating chocolate cake on Country Western karoake night. The waiter asked me if I was ok. Twice.
i think he drugged the pie. i'll get back to you on that later.
It was perfect I came I passed out in his comfortable bed then a glass of jack Daniels fell from the bed post and spilled all over my face
It was honestly like he was directing a porno or something. he kept telling different people to grab other people's boobs, it was all very artistic.
Yeah dude. They were so drunk they actually drank the pool water. Which I'm pretty sure will kill them. My parents chlorine the shit out of that thing cuz they know how much sex my brothers have in it
I feel like god wrote up a contract of my life, and i just signed off on that shit without reading the fine print.
How do we stop her downward spiral?
Wine. For us.
A particularly funny moment you may have missed; you walked in to the basement to announce that whoever was cooking sausages had left them on the grill for Hella long, only to be told that you were in fact the person grilling. At which point you just said, "the sausages are done" and walked out
I stared at him for a solid five minutes because he looked like what I imagine god would look like if god was a lumberjack
Did you know that pizza hut has a wedding proposal box? And sorry for being kinda drunk yesterday when you got here
what's your room number? I've never been there sober...
There were firefighters and a fire truck up the street. I asked what was wrong and their exact words were "Just a tiny explosion; it'll be all right"
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
Randomize
