I look like Roseanne just got in a bar fight with Rosie O'Donnell.
the lady at Walgreens winked at me when i asked where the cherry chapstick was... damn u katy perry!
So im going to watch Hocus Pocus in my footie pajamas... How am I in college?
I'm sorry. I think I have multiple personalities. Or it was the acid. Either way. I'm sorry.
no. it doesnt count as road head if youre parked
Just so we're clear this time around: This is dinner with my FAMILY. Not an opportunity for you to drink too much, and use the word "dick-thumpin" in casual conversation.
She tackled him mid-puke while the other two were cutting up a $60 dildo with a kitchen knife and putting the pieces in a Corona bottle.
He just texted me saying "you've got a face that suggests you give really good head". Is this a compliment? Do I say thanks?
I have a pair of clean panties in my purse. This is having your life together.
yeah she's crazy. she fought a possum in my alley because it was "being a cagey little cunt"
I found them in the bathroom trying to wrap an American flag around Steve's dick. I didn't bother to ask questions.
I just need to get a little drunker before I realize I'm not straight
whatever. i don't need to be drunk to tell you i'd suck your dick if you had one.
I managed to break 3 nails and loose my stockings, but I made 87 dollars at the strip club. I asked where I could find an application on the way out.
Hey bring in backup. its going to take a lot more beer than we think to fill up the water bed...
Randomize
