Steve is enlightening me on how and why u put gerbils up your ass
Annd you probably wouldn't of fallen down the stairs if you didn't insist on taking 'finale shots'
I thought he was joking about the hundred beer challenge until two guys showed up with a camera and boom mic. This cabin party is going to be fucked
I woke up spooning my guard tube. Tell me I'm not the most dedicated lifeguard ever
I didn't ride the struggle bus so much as drive it backwards off a cliff.
I don't know when it is this year, but if I ever text you an illegible text that also happens to contain sharks, Shark Week started.
How have I seen you throw up on yourself 3 different times, yet we weren't Facebook friends until I accidentally hooked up with your ex?
When he pulled it out last night I asked if that was as hard as it was going to get. I think I may have offended him.
I seriously had alll four of your knuckles bruised into my arm
Neighbour is sobbing. Difficult to masturbate.
I'll have a whole suitcase of emergency bacon with me obviously
I still hate everything and everyone around me. Krampus taught me nothing.
Right before he dumped me... he got a really ugly pair of pants. They were twill pants. A pinkish color. When I'm sad... I picture him in them. It makes me smile.
We're in an alley with a psychic wizard, shes reading our palms
He was actually surprised when I poured myself a glass full of straight vodka. Clearly he doesn't know me as well as he thinks.
Randomize
