I'm single ladies-ing it in my kitchen alone. after I just made an intense new breakup cd and before I drown my sorrows by marinating alone in my jacuzzi later. I cant tell if this is a new low or a new high
we're at the bar and some girl dropped a bottle of burnettes strawberry vodka out of her purse and it broke.
i mean, if that's not class, then i don't know what is
it got awkward when she realized that our nickname for her was "The Hambeast"
I kept pulling the $1 bills off the stage and told everyone "no no no she has to work for this money"
I WALKED myself out of breath. And I'm lost I'm a Tim Hortons parking lot. That's how hungover I am.
She wants to have naked weekends
They call that free range vagina in France
well I was pissed. first he yelled at me for having my own condoms, then he got mad when they didn't fit him. Dude, I only fuck magnum men.
Also, just had a student offer to sell me Xanax. Want some? Just for like a rainy day. Or our memorial day shitshow. Or just another Wednesday night.
If you value your immune system buddy, walk away from that one.
i just want to be sober by dinner like is that too much to ask
Do I really need this much space in my mouth?
Are you already high?
I am stoned, not wearing a bra, and a woman. There is no way in fuck I am getting on a fucking bus.
So I got a text from him saying "jacking off...thinking of you" I think I'm going to get a restraining order
I am drunk shake weighting right now.
how do you say “i know we haven’t hung out in a month, but i gave myself an amazing orgasm to your picture the other day” without coming on too strong
Randomize
