youre so sexy i want your bod
dude, did you turn gay?
heather?
this is jacob
Well for starters i'm drinking vodka out of a bell pepper.
I just want to know how you cleaned her puke off the twister mat with no gloves. And didn't throw up
I want Jason Statham to talk British to my vagina.
we should wear snuggies to the strip club
At least the cops kept you away from sleeping with her. Protect and Serve.
I found ecstasy taped in my armpit... thank you drunk Marissa.
Though I feel a moral obligation to take you there, point out all of the male supervisors and slap you on the wrist and yell, "NO!!"
Nevermind, there are three drinks waiting at the bar for me. I cannot disappoint this alcohol.
Just got referred to as "the girl from Tuesday night" at the Taco Bell drive thru...what happened on my birthday?!
30% sure Kevin and I just adopted a cat. Talk to me when the sun's up but I really feel like that's a thing.
you were on a whole other level. you went home with him because he said "you got some light ass eyes"
Dude chill patience is a virtue.
WHY DOES PATIENCE HAVE TO BE A VIRTUE, WHY CAN'T HURRY THE FUCK UP BE A VIRTUE?
She said she didn't care that I was gay and wants to ride the fucking rainbow
If you think me talking about that hot guy accepting my LinkedIn request is pornographic, I’m not sure how you’re gonna feel when I tell you I fucked a stranger on a park bench last weekend
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