i just bought a vibrator and the cashier says "have fun with that." i didnt realise what he said so i responded "you too." and then he gave me his number...
that blow job was not worth the clinginess that will follow
Do you think she's aware of my deep hatred or should I set her hair on fire in her sleep?
no more duck duck goose at the bar
If i ever start ordering tequila again please tackle me to the ground and steal my wallet
I just want to steal his innocence through his penis. I really do.
Besides the flaccid incident, it was decent. Average sized. So this is my life now. Loneliness and lackluster sex.
Just did coke off of a cross necklace and am headed to the strip club. Happy Easter!
I just showered sitting down with a sippy cup of water in there with me. It took 40 minutes. That hungover.
Please tell me joes at work safe and sound and doesn't smell like jail?
The other night I NICELY told her she looked like Jack Sparrow
So I'm at that stage in my life where I am stalking my stalker just to get laid
Come to Des Moines on Saturday, handcuff yourself to me and drink a bottle of vodka
I just drove by a stop sign that had a used maxi pad stuck to it WHAT THE FUCK
Well, i'm not hugging a bag of cheetos and crying while I watch Friends wishing that we were Ross and Rachel. So clearly I'might doing better than last night.
Randomize
