He keeps apologizing for not being able to get hard when he's drunk. We havent even left the club yet.
the trash is collected at 5:50 on mondays. i was up puking all night and heard them
the way i see it him paying 500 bucks for my fake abortion is karma's way of punishing him for cheating on his wife
It's really awkward/depressing when you are wearing heels larger than his dick
So awkward... The newspaper lady just caught me sitting stoned in my driveway at 5 am and asked if I was okay. I'm way better than ok right now
About to trim my pubes so if you decide to walk in, viewer discretion is advised.
Well, no one has ever described you as a perfectly balanced individual
I am pretty sure they consider me one of the "bros". They compliment girl's racks to me and are the human forms of dick-be-gone. They won't sleep with me more than once cause it's "weird", or let any "untrustworthy boys" sleep with me and I still help them get laid. Not...fair...
You yelled "I gave my neighbor some of my bitch sauce" and then passed out. You now have drinking limits with us.
Doors open. I'm laying in bed watching caddy shack and drinking a vodka tonic.
And I'm out of vodka so bring vodka or 2013 will blow ass
If you're going to drink sriracha straight from the bottle whilst crying, at least wear the giant sombrero for the enjoyment of your audience.
I stopped hooking up with him and ran to the bathroom to throw up. He saw me throwing up and it made him throw up
You left your hot dogs in my dresser again
He was cute in a Sketchy-trying-to-sell-you-a-vaccum-at-9-at-night kinda way.
that's the second time my extensive knowledge of taylor swift has gotten me laid
Randomize
