shit pants at work. discarded underwear.
just showed this text to the guy at west elm. luckily we did not stool ourselves in the midst of the ensuing hilarity. so you're commando now?
yep! most awkward part is that i was a few feet away from a client, talking and looking him in the eye. i've never stooled while looking someone directly in the eye.
someone shit in a solo cup and left it at the base of the stairs. fuck orlando dude.
she was stuffing dove chocolates in my mouth while giving me a blow job. GOD I LOVE VALENTINES DAY
If you're wondering about the pepper everywhere its for the ants and it was my doings. They hate pepper. You're welcome.
there's a picture of you and pauly shore at a starbucks on my phone
I feel like I ran a fucking marathon on my knees last night and there are bruises to prove it.
Hey, I got 20% of the people home that I was responsible for. I can't be expected to do much more.
omg i wish you could see the front of my car.
There's literally a dust print of your body and your arm trying to hold on and the other one where your fingers visibly dragged down the hood.
Sorry for the milk in the bathroom. I was washing mace out of the one security guys eyes
Does your Fitbit monitor your liver failure?
Oh shit that's not good dude. I'd head straight for Williamsport hospital the first ingredient in that shit is lithium batteries. You don't want to know what the second one is
I'm not trying to analyze you I'm just saying you are being unfair to soup
Oh yeah, it was definitely the best sex of my life, I just don't think I can fix the kitchen table before my parents get back...
I smell like Dick and happiness
He lit my hand on fire and bought me chicken nuggets. I'm in love.
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