It doesn't have to be a walk of shame...just pretend he took you to breakfast.
No one shows this much boob at breakfast
Condoms? Check. Glitter? Check. Fuck me pumps? Double check. Dignity? No where to be found. I'm about to homewreck the shit out of that dumb bitch.
I've been meaning to talk to you about your lack of self-respect these days and the toll it's taking on your vagina.
as veruca salt said, "i want it now!"
uhh im not your indulgent father, stoned and im in the middle of making tacos. right now, tacos win
Im sweating champagne and woke up in nothing but a tuxedo jacket. What didnt go wrong last night?
I literally just wrote "I'm sorry" in my blue book, got up and walked out
I forgot if I was chewing my gum or my tongue
I FEEL like I celebrated someone's 21st, but really I just celebrated Tuesday.
I forgot to tell you. Your neighbor was walking his tiny dog and saw me crawl out of my jeep drunk vomiting and holding onto my bumper. He just said: morning! all friendly.
You knew you'd end up at his house the minute you emptied the bowl of condoms into your purse.
In hindsight following that black guy in the ghostbusters costume was a terrible decision on everyone's part
I just fist bumped God in my head for last night. What a bro.
Nothing like a little " am I gonna shit myself " to spice up the work day
I really wish you were home bc youre the only friend I could ask to use an at home waxing kit on my vagina. I need you.
And by "sexually intimate," you mean fuck buddies?
The last time we went to a costume party, you walked around in a loincloth with a cross and said you were Jesus. I'm eager to see how much more offensive you can be.
Randomize
