I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
On a scale of one to Chris Brown, how angry are you?
Whenever I said your name you screamed polo and did another shot.
I knew shit got real when the pinapple was gone and people were just passing around the core and gnawing on it.
OMG stoned with flashing lights behind me, I was freaking out until I realized I wasn't driving my couch
just woke up on my balcony. who won the super bowl?
The fact that he just came out makes his Lent commitment to give up gay sex so much more meaningful now.
That awkward moment when the guy you hooked up on spring break invites you over for dinner to meet his parents and you say yes because the first rule of college is never turn down a free meal.
THE SHIT YOU GET YOURSELF INTO
Dude too much vodka. I think I just puked up my heart
That's what you get for taking that guy home. The god of sluttiness is frowning upon you.
Gays age differently than straights. 29 is like 45 in gay years. Next year I'll be in adult diapers and applying for medicaid.
you made cordon bleu at 4am and declared you were Marshall Stewart
Operation terrify all men while simultaneously make them fall in love with me is going quite swimmingly so far
WE'RE MOVING TO IRELAND!!!! DON'T ASK QUESTIONS JUST BOOK THE DAMN FLIGHT!!!!
Emily saved me from being trapped on my roof and then I beat her in a race at 5am it was a low key night
I hope no one at work can tell or smell that I have tequila in my hair and I haven't showered for days
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