Telling her that my penis is called megatron was not a good idea for a first date.
we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
Getting drunk now, but later remind me to tell you how to crash an 8th grade grad party.
Spent the last thirty minutes staring at the wall with Leah. It's definitly moving
you called me at 4 in the morning and invited me over for pasta and a late night viewing of titanic.
hey, you wanna get together over coffee or something?
is this code for 'i just got broke up with and i need a sympathy dicking'?
how did you know?
My vagina was just really confused why you weren't inside it
I'm to sober to make life ruining decisions and alcohol is to expensive at this bar for me to fear that level of drunk happening
People who don't like drugs and guac are not people I chose to associate with
i woke up inside a girl that i promised i would take on a date to Chili's
Just woke up and read the text that drunk me sent you, i take it all back, and you can't have my power puff girl pillow either.
Love waking up to a new contact named “Pizza” btw
sarahs drunk and is drawing dinosaurs all over the apartment. should i stop her?
whats she drawing them with?
eyeliner
no that's ok
I just put on the jeans I was wearing last night and pulled 4 baby carrots out of my back pocket....
annnnd thats why you don't tip your waiter by flashing them
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