I'm either going to be a Playboy Playmate or take over the world. Either way the world wins.
make sure i look cute passed out on the couch.
Well for one thing, she was eating rice with a shot glass.
I am wasted and people are fist pumping. This should not happen on the west coast.
It doesn't count as drinking alone if you're making rum cake with it.
I walked downstairs and he was standing in nothing but his boxers with his dick hanging out warming up eggs in the microwave.
Also there's a dick sized hole in my tights...should I be worried?
Meet me at the corner of "what the fuck" and"how'd you get in my bed" in 10 minutes.
Sometimes you just need a break, and sometimes you also need to get stoned on these breaks. I sound like some kind of fucked up mr rogers when I say shit like that.
Im at target. Idk why I'm buying condoms AND a tutu for my cat. No one who dresses their cat up has ever gotten laid.
I forgot how weird my hair bleaches and now I'm a calico
You can wake up to my rainbow of failure
do you want me to tag you in the pics from the party?
Hmm. Use your judgment. Bootlicking pics are probably not ok. Otherwise fine.
Dude, my vagina feels like new again! I love antibiotics. How's your day?
I’m pregaming Christmas shopping with grandma. What’s up?
We finally gave up searching because everything had started to look like flip flops
Randomize
