I wish all the girls i wanted to sleep with knew how big my dick was then id have a better chance
I'm more impressed with the spaghetti smoothie at the present moment.
You would not believe how incredibly hard it is to climb on top of a three story apartment buildings roof from the air conditioning unit
Briing, briiing- tricycle ridden. Where is my crown?
Just visited the liquor store.... for the 4th time today. shits gonna get weird
I just made a flawless coverstory for why I dont have my car and why I left the party on foot. #adultererskills
yea sometimes its awkward. but when you're a straight bartender at a gay bar and everyone knows it, they all think that they can make me turn gay. its like oh yea dude that extra $20 tip makes me want to suck some dick now
If TJ is short for Trader Joe, I'm gonna fuck him
Actually just remembered that solo cup full of scotch that random guy gave me for not farting on him. That's probably why
I think I died and satan has brought me back to life and I'm paying for my sins with this hangover
Last night when I blacked out, I ate Chef Boyardee. I never want to be that drunk ever, ever again.
My niece I'm babysitting left earlier to stay the night with her friend. I got ditched by an 8 year old.
Clearly you need to take sleeping pills and put your phone in the toilet
Is it bad that I'm not at all bothered by the fact that to some people I'm simply known as the girl that takes her shirt off?
You and I both know it takes more than prescription narcotics to keep our family down. See you around ten, brother.
Randomize
