i just woke up i smell like fire, i have bruises on both knees and one elbow, i have a lighter and nip of smirnoff blueberry in my bed, rug burn on one hip and about 12 pics of you and me on my camera-this needs to stop happening
yea ive got to shower which is going to be painful given the skin burns from the blowup obstacle course races last night
You should come over. I am making a celebratory I got laid by a huge penis cake.
The cab driver had me sign for the payment and I was like give me a second while I throw up right outside your door.
All I remember from last night is petting the broom with my feet and feeling like I was standing on a horses head
The entire defensive line took care if me when I passed out. One of them even held my hair when I puked and the other carried me upstairs to bed. God I love football so much more now
Bren left me with a lovely parting gift. Newfouund alcoholism. I'm on the kitchen floor, hugging a bottle of vodka. It's my only friend now.
Would giving a bouquet of flowers to my mother be a good way to say, "sorry you walked in on my boyfriend eating me out"?
Just when I decided to go get a taco and a blunt cake it starts raining. Coincidence? or divine intervention?
I bought 10 disposable adhesive bras and duct tape. If Home Depot can't help my breasts defy gravity, nothing will...
LMAO
My vagina: 1 Male stubborness: 0
I am a delicate flower. A fucked up, drunk, horny, pants pissing, delicate little flower.
I just changed all my morning alarms to wake me up with different Jesse McCartney songs telling me I'm beautiful. Would you believe I'll be 25 this year?
9 am booty call on your ex's birthday. Fuck yea
Next thing I know her tits are out on my desk. It was straight out of a porno. What was I supposed to do I’m not made of stone
Gameplan: If the cops show up, find a potted plant to hide behind... It's worked before!
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