Shoot me. Guy hitting on me with a beaver on his head. Says it is his spirit animal.
He tried to stick it in and I asked him what he wanted to name our child and he quit.
The cops forgot your handle of tequila when they took you away. Taking shots in your honor amigo
His penis contains the glue that keeps this relationship together.
Does it count as working out if stops are taken every half hour to smoke a blunt?
C'mon pople!!! THursday afternoon isnot gonna drinkin itself!!!
At this point I think you're just judging my taste in men
Just chugged a Bloody Mary in 60 seconds flat. New personal best! Happy Sunday!
It wasn't even dirty talking, it was more like the soothing gentle nonsense noises you make when you've spooked a horse.
I just saw a raccoon get launched out of a tree by another raccoon. They have turf wars...
Uhm... Found a ziploc bag... In the freezer. Sam, thought it was lemonade. Why did you make frozen piss at my house, again?
Just woke up with only a scarf and my uggs on. i hate partying naked in winter.
You know its an epic night when omar the garbage man gives you a ride home at 6 in the morning.
Tonight is an "I'm lonely and single so I'm going to curl up in a warm, melatonin and vodka enriched ball in the corner of my bed with a cat." kind of night.
and by running errands I mean eating an entire bag of milanos by myself in the Walmart parking lot
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