I just hope my dad was drunk enough to not remember the whole convo we had about anal.
Have fun fixing the bed from last night Bob Villa.
At least you didn't call me Brittany this time
I'm doing a half mile walk of shame carrying a trash bag and still very drunk. Save me. I feel like a refugee.
My vag should have a twitter account. It would be like "destroyed another condom today".
Just told the nurse I wouldn't get on the scale. Told her to write FAT.
he made me scream out "#24" while we fucked...no more football players
Either I'm a lot drunker than I thought, or he has three dicks....
I think I'm gonna have to go with the first one...
Shaun got a portable breathalyzer for christmas so now we can tell who the biggest pussy is at the end of the night.
I am assuming I was his dirty Mardi Gras mistake and I can live with that
She told me she eats fruit when she's hungover because it has more water than water.
Also I owe you 20 bucks, a clean towel and a glass of scotch. I'll even throw in a blow job
We celebrated our relationship by shotgunning beers on his lawn in our underwear. I may have to marry this man...
I was chasing moonshine with vodka last night. I'm still not sure how I'm sober right now.
Omg cinnamon bun Oreos. Thanks weed
You made me take you back to Mcdonalds so you could yell at the guy for not giving you enough ketchup packets
I vaguely recall french fries...
You then proceeded to call your mom and tell her you weren't coming home because you were "tripping balls"
Sweet...
Randomize
