Partly cloudy chance of praying to the porcelin gods
Her vagina smelled like hockey gear.
I'm eating lunch next to a table of beautiful culturally-diverse women chattering away happily. It's like sitting next to a Yaz commercial.
Lost my virginity in a banana suit. Glad I waited.
I got stood up on a date. They are singing "dancing with myself" on karaoke in my honor.
Is it sad that i just saw my moms thumb on the table & i instinctively put mine down cuz i thought she was thumbmaster?
Am I the only one that feels like there are hundreds of tiny people having a rave and stomping and kicking around inside my head this morning?
The sex was so bad. I kept sending people snapchats of my face during it.
WHEN THE FUCK DID MCDONALD'S DECIDE TO QUIT SERVING BURGERS AT 1:00AM?
I would peed on everything
I was wondering why he was in my phone as "Cat Guy", he seemed pretty normal. Then when we woke up he was wearing a shirt with a picture of his cat on it. The name stays.
Ran into his sister at the gym and hit it in the parking lot. I dont even feel like a bad friend she got a boob job and lost 20 lbs its not even the same sister
Apparently drunk me thought it was a good idea to buy $100 worth of band aids and stick them all over everything in the apartment.
I woke up like how did I get here this blanket is nice but it was just the curtain
My previously white toilet seat is now hot pink. I'm not sure why or how but I know it's your fault.
Oh Jesus our whore days are numbered
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