Breakfast of vicodin and eggs out of a solo cup at about three in the afternoon on a wednesday...I have my life together
I have a deodorant stick dedicated to my balls.
He managed to light the Jello on fire...
I woke up with the new contact "Britney Both Nipples Pierced"... how do you think the night went?
did the walk of shame through a baseball field. .A little league game was going on. Proceeded to buy a hot dog at the concession stand. the looks were priceless.
Now they're talking about doing whiskey shots since they're flipping the turkey over. You might need to drive me home.
I'm basically just sitting in the porta poTty finishing my bottle of champagne bc I am too lazy to carry it back to the tailgate
Girl on the bus just slammed her book shut, turned to me and said "I'm way to fucking high to be studying"
ive penciled you in for a day of excessive drinking
They ran out of ice at the party, so I fixed my drink with frozen broccoli....the show must go on!
I was mid hand job and stopped me because he wanted to "connect" which meant putting his thumb in between my eyebrows and a hand over my heart and closing our eyes...
You continued to run around saying "free the nipple" while "taste testing" every liquor on the premises.
She said it was unconventional for me to yell "Shazam!!" when I came inside her.
I think you're literally the first guy to ever pick up a chick from pinterest.
I'm sorry that you wanted to get laid and I all I did was play with your new cat instead.
Randomize
