Stuck behind a lady in her 70's purchasing a plastic handle of vodka and nothing else. She is writing a check. Hello future.
You talked to that cop for like 15 minutes and when you got back, you told us you were "networking".
Sometimes I wonder how you ever made friends then I remember it's because you blew your way to semi-relevance
Are you also wondering how we get home after the party bus?
Home?
Last night, I accomplished the impossible. I pissed while riding my bicycle home without pissing all over myself. My Dutch friends gave me a round of applause and said I was now the king of holland.
What should we drink tonight, I'm in the mood to be judged
She puked her nose ring out of her face.
The last text I sent him was about nachos. Frankly, if he can't respond positively to that he can fuck off...
I feel bad for his balls. Ive never seen so much sperm. He had to be dying
I solemnly swear I will not get your boyfriend puke in public drunk again
He sat next to me, put his arm around me, yelled at his girlfriend that he was breaking up with her, and told me I'm his little pet for the night.
I'm pretty sure NORMAL roommates don't have to hide each others sex toys from their fuck buddies.
I can't believe it is only 1:30...I may have to stab myself with scissors for an excuse to go home...
You spilled your drink, and we laughed so hard my boobs popped out of my shirt.
This may be the most redneck thing I've ever said, but I know all there is to know about farting dogs
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