Molly wanted me to tell you, "she hasnt shit on the floor in a while" like she thinks its an accomplishment.
The only good thing about ohio is that i can get 2 half gallons of soco for 40 bucks
A homeless guy asked you to feel your boobs, you accepted in exchange for his broom to go with your witch costume..... that's when I cut you off
I think the phrase "baptist college" should be an oxymoron.
We've finally become those guys who you'd see in middle school when you went to the park who are just stoned out of their minds sitting on the swings.
did i by any chance text you anything about feathers last night?
you mean faeutihaers?
you just kept swimming in circles and whenever someone would try and coax you out you would scream "i CANNOT drown, my brother is the supervisor of a water park!!
We're not too concerned with getting her out of jail. We're on a mission for donuts.
I'be color coordinated the clothes in my closet and my underwear drawer. I'm like an advertisement for house arrest. Help.
You text him a porn site address and said GOODBYE ... I think he got the hint
I'm still getting random messages from guys about my Halloween outfit. Electrical tape is coming back next year
Apparently we carried the stove upstairs. I Woke up with it in my room.
I still maintain we were not that drunk......
Dude, Dimensionally it doesn't even fit in that stairway! We might have to knock a wall out to get it back down!
I had jack at 8 am= instant drunk
You can't just say you're dying of terminal cancer everytime they try to card you
At some point, I’d like to pretend that his penis is a popsicle.
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