My mom just told me that after i turned eight i stopped growing mentally and emotionally
During sex she told me I could do anything I wanted to her. You remember that toy lightsaber we bought at Wal Mart?
They're sharing a mixed drink at a bar with straws...its like a disney movie with booze
every single kid we've ever known, every single person we've gotten blow jobs from, every single person we've hit home runs with... is at dennys right now
Someone said we're out of ice. You collapsed on the spot and started sobbing, saying 'but where will all the polar bears live". That drunk.
i was playing the convince him im sober game through texting. i spelled most of the words right. i hope.
He asked me where I wanted it. I told him in the condom. He stops mid thrust and says "you're no fun" and then blew. Chivalry is semi dead.
ok. can u leave the new roommate a list of instructions for me? like what i need to be fed and when i need to be exercised?
Corn dogs constantly. And all.the time
Exactly. This is the bit where I learn a heartwarming lesson about not making my drinks half vodka
Fool me once shame on you. Fool me twice and I'm the idiot missing half an eyebrow again.
I am currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
WEED IS MY SPIRIT ANIMAL
That one probably shouldn't have been in caps
Apparently she "missed me" and the only logical solution was to fuck my brother.
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
On the way home she told me she was in kindergarten when 9/11 happened
Randomize
