Just tipped at a bar in cheerios. Suck it.
my fart just smelled so bad i acutally gagged
just because you are now my girlfriend does not mean you can text me nasty shit
she said her black crocs were her 'dress up crocs'
How are you feeling today?
i could've thrown up on command at any point today...
We found him pissing on the sidewalk in his socks signing the national anthem. I love you summer.
please don't go to jail. I'd hate to have to call the montgomery county jail every time I need sex advice
I left his apartment Bc I lost my id. Wandered 5 miles barefoot. Got lost in downtown la. My phone died so I asked for directions from a man at the gas station.. Turns out he was a bum. He led me back to the apartment AND he found my id.
It's like the whiskey god was watching over you
Come to the roof. We are drinking breakfast.
Netflix, eggnog, and bed? Maybe some hand stuff?
You know the party's good when you say "Never have I ever caused an emergency landing" and someone drinks
Well shove his head down there and tell him not to stop til we have a new president!
I told him I just left the convent and really wanted a man. He fell for it. Sure beats telling him I'm a nympho stalker that followed him to the bar when I saw his beard.
Details are irrelevant. Come bail me out of jail.
How do I tell this guy that if he does not like the condoms at my apartment, he should bring his own without sounding like a sure thing?
Say it's BYOC night at the beach. And, you are a sure thing. Own it.
Somehow, walking in on your drunk mom in a diaper was the least traumatic thing I saw last night
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