I still have your handprint on my ass. You're not allowed to ignore me yet.
It took me four clicks to get to 2009 on his profile. This can't work.
Is this a genuine concern or are you just high?
JUST BECAUSE I'M HIGH DOESN'T MEAN ITS NOT GENUINE CONCERN.
Well then. It seems like we have a Mexican standoff of genitals
I hate cuddling. I also hate when people breathe. Which he did, a lot. So he can go to hell.
I'm in this weird masturbatory haze making onion rings. If you want to come over we can eat these suckers and play TF2.
Why don't we hang out more often?
Also just throwing this out there I don't think anyone who brings another girl back to your bed to share with you can qualify as a frigid bitch
Do you realize half our text conversations are you asking me for tit pics and me saying no?
My tights ended up on the driveway folded neatly. Any ideas how that happened?
Just FYI, by the transitive property my breasts have now touched the Stanley Cup.
She's relieving herself in the laundry room. I'm really hoping there's a toilet in there...
She unfriended me on Facebook after I responded to her long love note with #demtittesdoe. Jager is the goddamned devil.
How many of my Tinder dates can my Christian roommate accidentally meet in the hallway at 3am before she's horrified and moves out?
"Here let me wipe my uterus off your dick" was probably the most unsexy thing said after period sex. I should get an award
Stop trying to get me to choose vodka over a nap
Randomize
