I bet a guy could be masturbating under the table now and people would just think he was clapping along.
She just used a chaser for red wine.
I just used celery as a chaser. That's the level of my refrigerator.
MEET ME OUTSIDE YOUR HOUSE IN THREE MINUTES. BE DRUNK. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
but they dont look like handprints. looks like someone had a boxing match with my tits and my tits lost
And I told him that even though were not together, if he has sex with anyone I would have sex with someone else, video tape it and send it to him.
Is it OK to disqualify a potential therapist if she lists 50 Shades of Gray as her favorite book? Or is that a good thing?
Eric was just sitting there open-mouthed swallowing sake from that squirt bottle for so long the lady across from us leaned over to her kid and told him not to end up like "the big alcoholic one"
You were peeing off the rooftop and told everyone sometimes you just gotta go
I don't like pregnant me. I eat very large burritos, I don't like having sex and I can't even finish a Blue Moon.
Are you saying I'm your favorite hot mess?
I'm actually my favorite my hot mess, but you're a close second.
I'm 80% sure I have pink eye. This is my penance for being a homewrecker.
You have to commit to sexting. You can't just quit right after I send you pictures of my asshole.
Seriously, come on.
I feel like there's a picture of my ass on the internet right now.
I hate you.
No one should have to go to work between Christmas and New Years, but here I am twirling in my office chair and putting Jack in my coffee like I’m back in college studying for finals.
Well that's very sweet of you. I have a strange feeling you're going to regret this when you sober up.
NO REGRETS FUCK DA POLICE
Randomize
