I just walked into a tree. I think it's time to go home.
Fuck him. I'll set him on fire for you. Then we'll see how good of a firefighter he is.
Well, she opened the door to puke outside the car, but she threw it open so hard it popped back and hit her in the face.
Jessi just used the excuse "it's not you it's me" to get out of getting a lap dance.
Well you really should've thought of that before you painted your walls the same color as your toilet
God that barista is texting me bout his life like i care i mean dude just hook me up with free coffee thats why i gave you my number
No longer is one of my lifelong dreams to ride in a kangaroo pouch. You have eternally ruined that for me. Thank you.
My life is a clusterfuck of men and disorderly priorities right meow.
She tried to subtly measure me, but I noticed. She told me I barely made the cut otherwise there would have been just a handshake as a parting gift.
In my defense, who let the drunk girl run around with a sack of broken glass unsupervise?
I sang Seal's Kiss From a Rose to my quesadilla
You were a for sure 10. You put on a traffic cone to meet someone.
In retrospect, vomiting out of a moving vehicle on the third date should have been a deal breaker
Stop leaving buckets of wine at my house.
So who has the penis shaped party tray? You or your mom?
Randomize
