My friends, they love my intelligence
No, a stripper letting you buy her dinner is not the same as a girlfriend.
I just woke up wearing retainers... they are most definitely not mine
Another weekend, another 3 guys I have to awkwardly avoid while crossing campus...
I had to throw up. it was the only way to avoid kissing her after she swallowed..
I ended up with bruises on the back of my knees. Tell me again how I did this?
I cried at the bouncer while saying I wished he was my father... They had no idea what to do with me.
Trying to convince myself that everyone keeps staring at me because I'm pretty and not because of my hickies.
I'm not going to be your wingman while you are in the hospital.
He had to put the child locks on the windows so you would stop screaming at random boys
As much as I enjoyed playing drunk half naked twister and talking about my daddy issues last time, I'll have to pass.
Oh my god I haven't had mozzarella sticks since I banged that Applebee's waiter
Congrats you've received dick pics from an Olympic silver medalist
I'm not too sure what happened last night, but by the looks of it, we must have gotten drunk with zebras.
I’m at the Eye doc, sitting in the waiting room. The woman next to me is highlighting passages in her bible. I’m watching pornhub on mute. I clearly need some penis, or Jesus.
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