I wish there was an iPhone app to help you with your shitty personality.
Is showing up wearing the condom a bit presumptus
you're dressed like that and you're on the rag, that's false advertisment
That's because "bed time" is my sex playlist. If you're trying to fall asleep use "nap time"
My mom just covered me while I peed in the street. I love her. i also love parents weekend.
You know what a wolf looks like when it kills a small animal? How it shakes it around in it's mouth? I did that to a bag of Taco Bell last night
I just masturbated and watched youtube makeup videos, which was just an extension of masturbation.
And also the fact that I woke up sandwiched between two gay men is probably fueling my day
his first act of 2015 was getting stabbed
I'll have sex with you for tacos. I don't care, man.
I was so drunk last night dude. I woke up this morning to my oven being wide open and my pants on the kitchen floor.
You'll never fully grasp an awkward walk of shame until you run into his mom while you're trying to sneak out. Then to make matters worse you have to ask her to mover car because it's blocking you in.
and I lost my effing shirt.
You woke up, looked straight at me and screamed "fuck barbara streisand!" and passed out again
You know. You being in a happy healthy relationship is REALLLYY cutting into our drinking alone together time.
I'm not gonna be naked if your not here. Thats like a waste of nakedness
Randomize
