Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
I wish there were whore gnomes that cleaned our apartment when we were gone.
and then he said he has been waiting since high school to touch my boobs
They woke me up at 6am and made me drink a bottle pf champagne yelling "champagne breakfast!"
he told me my vagina was like a beautiful piece of salami
The liquor store manager told us to drink responsible as we checked out and we laughed to his face. Like we're buying karkov at noon, responsibility is out of the question
The bouncer called to give me my shoes back when I got there he said " I'm all cool with fuvking bitches but when you try to to do it in my bar on the pool table you're gonna get chocked out every time"
At least you got your shooes
Home safe. Took me everything not to stop and pick up some random cat that looked like an ocelot tho.
By this time next year I expect us to have full time jobs that we can call out of so we can day drink on beautiful days like this. Oh, and grill.
By early evening I was shouting at the deeply Christian girl to suck my dick inbetween snorting lines of gatorade powder.
After my lunch today, I've got $10 till Sunday night. I am losing at life.
Really, who hasn't had sex on your bed?
ME.
My pants are on and I'm pretty sure I tried to throw them at someone.
dude, there is no doorman in your lobby and the front door is locked
oh yeah, sorry he's up here at the party. coming now
He is saved in her phone as Sir. Mindfuck <3/ vag cleaner of course I need to meet him.
Randomize
