the shit that comes out of a woman's mouth when she knows you can't hit her is fucking unbelieveable
wat bout pragnant strippers??
Just passed a strip club with a Marquis sign that said 'tis the squeezin'
Nothing says happy baby shower like showing up still kinda drunk from last night with an open tall boy in one hand and fries in the other.
my roommate just showed me the scar on her forehead... that she got from a shake weight... That. just. happened.
Strike three, the fat brides maid they call shit puker also has herpes.
We're both clumsy. What does this imply for our kids?
Helmets.
Wait I'm all alone with a guy and his turtle
He sent me nudes and then a text asking if I tried the new Cantina Bowl from Taco Bell. He sure does romance right, doesn't he?
He bought the 12 pack of condoms. I take that as a sign of serious commitment.
Well, I crapped my pants in front of her entire family, was laughed out of their house, and I had to walk home with shit stained pants. So, yeah, it went really well.
He kept telling me my vagina was a pleasure cave... I ended up just taking it as a complimetn
I purposely left my thong and accidentally left my ethics book, hairspray and most of my dignity.
Apparently when you start crushing adderall and blending them into your margaritas calling them blenderalls you have "a problem" WTF
Wtf did i hit my head on?
Tequila
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