There are thorn wounds on my balls, don't ever question my dedication to party again
He said I was like bonnie and clyde all rolled into one but twice as trashy and 75% less clothes...
He obviously understands you completely.
Handcuffed. To. Steering. Wheel. Fuck.
Screw this I'm going to go talk to her. If you hear sirens they're for me.
There are dudes in kilts outside my window practicing fire breathing with cheap vodka and a modified grill lighter. I thought you should know.
I woke up with a fake mustache stuck to my chest and I can't even hold down water.
What changed your mind?
Being sober
Welp, I've officially cried in every Chipotle bathroom in the city. Correlation or causation?
Do not ever get that redhead chem major high. Gave her a magic brownie and she sat in a corner and literally cried about organic chem. Never again.
Just taxi'd to the airport holding a zip lock bag of my own vomit. Bachelorette success.
I want to be a supportive friend to her, but I also want to sleep with her ex now that he's single.
I'm only gonna ask u this once. Y is there a picture of u only in superman underwear rubbin ur nipple on facebook????
Uh I can actually explain that one..
I woke up upside down with my head in your ottoman and like a foot of space between the ottoman and chair.. My legs were straight up in the air... Yes. Your mother found me.
Dude. That's like masturbating until the point that you're going to climax, then stopping, waiting for a few seconds and then starting all over. While that does lead to an altogether more powerful orgasm, it's still annoying as hell until you get there.
I was not expecting that analogy.
No one ever expects that analogy.
A girl I had a drunken hook up with is on interventon right now
Randomize
