I just got hit by a car and apologized to the driver. I asked him if he was okay.
He fucking owes me dinner after I gave him head under the deck behind the bar.
the liability waiver did not state that i couldn't bring my bottle of wine in the bouncy castle. it did Not.
I wanna get so drunk next week I throw up on a guy's genitals. I want to be that memorable for someone.
it's sunday funday. and also, who can outslut the other day.
My neighbor just watched me eat a granola bar without pants, this is a whole new level of unemployed
I just saw a group of 50+ year old women all wearing shirts that said "drink up, bitches" ...please tell me that can be us some day.
They just asked a fat guy to move to the other side of the plane. Send me a pic of your tits incase we crash
I want a burrito.
Truly, you are the voice of a generation.
Neighbor who got arrested at 3am just said he'd split the $ with me if I testify as the witness in his police brutality trial. He was also holding a baby and a case of beer.
Wait, just ask him if can you can join in. You haven't lived until you've taken part in a threesome with your father...or so I've heard
Just stuck all that extra cocaine money we made in a savings account...like a responsible adult..
I went with plan f. get drunk and start a fire in my yard
Have a booty call at 3am, stopped for tacos at 2:30. It's 2:55 and I still haven't ordered but can't jump the curb to get out of line because there is a cop in front of me. What am I doing with my life?
And then she proceeded to tell us that blowing your brother made her feel like part of the family. At this point you were still pretending to be a cat. Need I give another reason she can't live with us?
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