1 of the best things of being a business owner is I don't get fired for having sex in the office
There are only two things that should be in vaginas... penises and vegetables
i was gonna tell him a really embarassing story about you, but then i remembered im in all of them
what's for breakfast?
Advil and throwup
Is puking blood really that bad of a sign? Can we pretend this is okay?
It's okay.
I have no idea. Next thing I know we're all down on one knee saying the pledge of allegiance and then singing I'm Proud to be an American. Then Trevor ate pizza off the sidewalk.
He sprained his penis one time
He was "naked wrestling" and fell off the couch and landed on his erect penis
It's 10AM, she's drunk blaring veggie tales and I have a paper to write you've got to be fucking kidding me
one of the RAs is here. he told me his name is optimus prime and then took his shirt off and fell down
Just had the best idea EVER: start a mead brewing/dispensery business! WE CAN BREW IT IN MY GIANT CLOSET, AND NEVER BE SOBER AGAIN.
Sorry bud. Having a shitty day because the GF broke up with my wife and I. We really liked her too
So what your saying is I can use her desperation to my advantage. Fuck, this must be how pretty girls feel.
my extended weekend of being as irresponsible as possible started with blowing the bartender in the bar bathroom. off to a good start.
You were crying hysterically
So that's why my heels were in the oven...
Drunk me left sober me a shower beer in expectation of Hurricane Harvey. Drunk me is the best.
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