you ended the night by relentlessly sucking on my hips bone and hand demanding milk. you said it was because you were a tiger
if i had a dollar for every time ive had to piece a night together like they did in "the hangover", i bet i could outsell their weekend box office earnings...
Dude I'm drinking a martini out of a water bottle, I've become my parents.
The last thing i remember was high fiving everyone on the planet.
Was waiting for the adderal to kick in then realized I had been brushing my teeth for eighteen minuites
You tried to call "time out" during the sobriety test.
And on the seventh day, God carefully sculpted your cock to fit perfectly into my masterpiece of a vagina. Then he rested. Look it up.
We'll talk about this tommorrow when I'm not mistaking my fingers for French fries....
Dude the tree smoked with me. I planted the roach with it and smiled.
Totally just drove past you riding your bike. I was like damn, that looks like a cute little hipster boy, and then I realized it was you and that I'd already banged you and it kinda made my day. I hope you're well. Come over soon?
You should make a checklist to ensure they are quality material. Here's mine: wearing shoes, not drunk, very hot, has teeth, speaks english. You never know
anyone who texts me today gets a complimentary picture of my mangled foot. starting with you.
ewwwww wtf when you left last night you were fine?
I fully committed to my astronaut costume, to say the least. blacking out on moonshine and having a moonwalk of shame this morning: happy Halloweekend.
I don't care. We're going to fuck. And I WONT apologize in the morning. You cheated on me, so you can cheat on her with me.
Let me just get through this whole court subpoena thing and then ill go back to buying alcohol for minors.
Randomize
