yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
Did your girl go home? Did she have fun? Can we have our friend back?
i love rice pilaf. whoever invented that i would give them a hug.
And then he said "good night girls" and kissed each one before I put my shirt back on
I cant even remember his name or what he looked like. all I remember is what the tattoo on his forearm looked like.
well, he kindof looked like a walmart greeter. I tried to stop you
Holy shit. Do you realize what this means? Officially all of my ex-bfs are either dead or gay
Listen, you need to start thinking with your vagina and not with your heart... That emotional shit is for your 30s.
Taking shots with an iv of fluids in, because I work tomorrow. That's responsibility. Employee of the month right here.
WHY DO YOU ALWAYS PUT THE PLUG IN THE SINK BEFORE YOU PUKE IN IT
let's just skip the pleasantries and go back to my place for pizza and casual sex
So I'm at that stage in my life where I am stalking my stalker just to get laid
I just made kick ass drunk stir fry while taking care of three other drunk people and doing shots. I don't understand how that's not wife material
Dude she tried to bite my face off last night, literally. I have never actually felt like a piece of meat until that point in life...
I had to put my dog down, accidentally outed my brother, and was given a fucking fish sandwich instead of a Big Mac ALL IN ONE DAY! Am I really the person you want to consult for advice? Hhhmmmmmm?
If you wanna do actual business call my office. If you’re just looking to get laid you need to up your game
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