The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
my vagina's been through so much this weekend
you mean so much has been through your vagina this weekend?
apparently the dude across the street has been dead for like a month. now I feel bad about pissing on his lawn
why do you have a stuffed bear wearing a thong and a seatbelt in your backseat??
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
i walked in and you were spoon feeding your sister grape juice out of a tupperware.
im looking at burger kings website. there isnt one anywhere close to where we were last night. i think it was sent from heaven
Rather than admit to myself he's hooking up with her right now, I choose to believe that he's not responding because he's masturbating to my picture, distraught over his poor choice, and trying to forget about the one that got away with a heavy dose of meth.
I think I saw maybe 3 ugly girls the entire time we were there
Yea its like that frat house was built to keep fat chicks out of parties
My bed is full of blood and feathers
just had sex on top of a camper looking at the stars, BEAT THAT.
SITTING NEXT TO A CIRCUS PERFORMER AT PLANNED PARENTHOOD. THIS IS MY LIFE.
he says he is going to get you very high and make you leave the country with him
possibly by boat
I poured somre cereal, realized the chocolate to flake ratio was off, tried to fix it by digging through the box, gave up because of the difficulty level, and poured it back in the box. Being high is the best diet.
I'm just saying; the box truck will cost less then dorms or rent, and we can always crash where the party is.
Randomize
