I just woke up in a puddle of boob sweat. Definitely time to consider a reduction.
Thanks for feeding me more tequila shots to prevent me from trying to fight her last night. Horrible logic? Yes, but you are the best friend ever
he wrote me a grocery list while i was passed out. every other item was gin. it went on for 4 pages.
Mission get my tooth back and find a new dick to ride starts after i sleep for the first time in 2 days.
Guess the answer to the last 2 texts right and you'll get a boob shot tonight. Guess wrong and it will be a picture of a used, boogery kleenex.
I'll ask around, all of my friends have girlfriends now for the most part though so they're all dead inside
I just used a beer funnel to put gas in my car
This couch is so comfortable I can tell if it's like a waterbed or I pissed myself
i have achieved a new state of being which requires no food or water but is sustained only by coffee and pure, unrelenting rage
AND I HAVE A NICE COCK! A STRIPPER TOLD ME SO IT MUST BE TRUE!
I vaguely remember losing my underwear to 2 chicks in a bathroom. That drunk.
George Washington did not fight for our freedom just to have people shit themselves all night
You were giving me all the reasons why being the big spoon is such a responsibility, and how you wish you were a girl cause the little spoon does nothing
He showed up at 1:10AM covered in mud and vomit, wearing a headband that said victory in Japanese. I WANT PICS.
I’d say they were worth it. He screamed “your tits are fanfuckingtastic!”while he was cumming
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