I just woke up and realized I puked in my boxers WTF.
You stay classy.
The worst part was I forgot until I tried to put them on.
And my dad told him he was a great looking guy. and then added "no homo" after.
when my dick couldnt get hard she said "fly on little wing"
There was a pool of blood on my desk and we still don't know who it belongs to. missed a good party, man.
They peed on our pledges last night... i dont know if i should put an lol at the end of that or not
Your dad's facebook is ejaculating midlife crisis all over my minifeed
I demanded respect from my fuck buddy. Drunk me is not fun.
It's legal now for me to leave my boyfriend and marry you.
I totally just somersaulted to the bathroom to avoid moving out of my fetal position
I don't know if I should be concerned or impressed.
I am gifting my birthday sex to you, but its okay because I can always just have birthday vibrator.
Do you think next time you could control the yawn? Kind of a buzzkill to be mid-orgasm and see you yawning over there.
I kinda took a step back after our "surprise bottles night"
Lying naked in bed eating carrot cake of off my bare breasts while watching Family Guy. Tonsilitis isn't all bad!
Things that have happened since you moved: Lemmy, Bowie, Snape, Prince, civility, democracy, Carrie Fisher, all dead. Record flooding down here. Twice. This is clearly your fault.
all my friends are getting married and here i am in a committed relationship with rum
Randomize
