My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
another holiday season passes without receiving a dick in a box, where did i go wrong in life?
You don't know the meaning of what the fuck until you wake up naked and alone in someone's bed staring at a dead squirrel on their dresser.
so im decorating easter eggs with my family and my mom is writing "Jesus is risen" and "God loves you!" on the eggs. i wrote things like "I'm naked!" and "there are drugs in these eggs!" on mine.
Caught my drug dealer jacking off. I think this is a new step in our relationship
The last thing I remember is pushing my way into the bathroom and dumping a 40 on him. We havent talked since.
You need to come over. I cant get her to stop eating honey mustard straight from the squeeze bottle
I just saw a douchebag with frosted tips & a LaCoste polo with popped collar driving a Call of Duty edition Jeep. It was a cavalcade of stereotypes.
I woke up to a shattered My Little Pony garbage pail, a black eye I don't know how I got and no one will look me in the face. Fuck tequila.
Id prob hit it, but i instagram edited her picture to make her look better. Ha. She should fuck me just for that.
You kept chewing on the empty milk carton and saying "kitty" over and over again. It was an interesting night.
No feeling is better than coming home from your booty call and putting on a fresh pair of granny panties
I keep worrying the police are going to come looking for us.
For which one? Starting a fire on my porch or having sex on my porch?
I am confused/concerned about the circumstances that led to your consumption of 3 beta fish last night.
I always want to see you. Honestly my only hesitation is that my ass is still kind of sore from Sunday 🥺
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